spent the day doing household chores cum talking with mama. washed the balcony [carried like 5 pails of water!! goood weight lifting..] , the toilet too. ironed one of pa shirts cuz mummy had to bring in the clothes.

one thing good about staying home : i get to talk to mummy one on one. spoke to her during lunch... chatted about our family... ah boy... pa's new job... my driving... my sch stuff.. my life and the people who matters to me.

went out for dinner and it was time well spent. simpang-ed later. woooohoo. i love the teh oh peng. rocks my socks off. great to see doug after EONS. managed to catch up a bit... before we car-ed down to.. carl's house! heheh. did u know that carl has the lip ice stick? hahahaha. hilarious. saw carl's sec sch year book and he looks so much thinner.. wee hee. all the same yarh har! =)

changes are inevitable. one fine day... perhaps u'll go.. "woah cordy has changed so much.." , or.. "SHE'S A LADY!!!!".. baby steps i guess. gotta begin somewhere. i don't know. i don't wanna lose me. don't wanna be another one-of-those-wind-blow-away kinda girls. dun get me wrong, i'm not saying change is bad.. i'm saying.. i need strength and will to. u gotta look at how i was brought up.. my family and relatives.. we're loud and happy. i guess i was never made to conform to social norms. so going from extreme to the other really ain't easy.

reflections
is it impossible to love me for my totality, every one bit? or do i have to change to show that i can be the ideal one? or maybe i just need to stand out from the normal mundane everyday girl stereotype? i've always been differentiated easily from the rest. always. since pri sch.. all the way to uni... from choir in pri sch, sect leader in band in sec sch coupled with other sch related hosting events, pub head n kayaker for sea sports plus announcer in tpjc, to THE cordy in uni life.. not forgetting behind the scenes in church life. always been differentiated. say "Cordelia.. " and they go.. ahhh. [i'm not like blowing my own trumpet, i'm saying how easy it is to finger me out of the crowd]. i'm more than just a name, more than just a loud voice. the ppl who know me for me, i know they can touch their heart and say.. thats cordy.

feel divided? i dunno how to say. on one hand, yarh.. change now. on the other, can i put it off till 21? i know it sounds weird, but i need to start praying about this. this change topic has been bothering me since... last year i guess. =/

so here's the bottom line : will change compromise who i am?

-i touch my heart and say... God help me please.-