"I will not abandon you", God's promise in the Path to Calvery.

all i can say is that my life has not been abandoned to God and to be honest... for the past few weeks or so... felt so alone. so empty. it's like i decided to just stop having a relationship with God, with people... with many many stuff.

went to the Planetshakers conference 2 days ago... the praise was to the max.. danced and jumped with ALL MY MIGHT. i kept trying my best to seek after his presence once more... to just feel that touch and to be restored once more... and all i can conclude is that our agony comes thro' the wilful stupidity of our own heart. We won't believe, we won't cut the shore line, we prefer to worry on.

but thank God... feeling mighty better... because i've decided to leave much alone and to leave all the burdens that i was never meant to carry at the cross.. like how ling says, to just run and dump it all there and we all run away... but how far can we run? so much has been on my mind and in my heart that it's gonna explode one way or another... and it's not fair. it's not fair to the people around me to suffer from the brunt of it all... it's not right how sometimes i treat my friends... but mostly, it's not right how sometimes i treat my family... it's so hard being me. it's so hard loving people who don't deserve being loved. it's so hard just being understood. so hard.

sometimes i feel like a freaking care bear. yes, a care bear. to keep loving, to keep giving, to keep understanding what you are going thro, to keep being that listening ear, to keep being there for you 24-7... i mean seriously. i'm human... and how you expect me, perhaps consciously or sub-consciously to just listen and understand what you're going thro... you think it's so easy? you think i can be like this all thro the day and thro the week.. gosh. all i can say is that you are so selfish. selfish.

"i have to learn to relate everything to the master ambition, and to maintain it without any cessation. my worth to God in public is what i am in private. is my master ambition to please Him and be acceptable to Him, or is it something less, no matter how noble? -oswald chambers

today was such a lovely day.. went to church to do up the notice board with jo and celeste.. yupp.. had a wonderful time but had to leave early to meet alvin lai!!! haha..

well.. i had such a lovely time, catching up with him and the movie was KICKASS.. wow.. blown away.. we strolled all the way back to city hall and say goodbye.. had a lovely time.. definitely.

just came home and needed to be alone.. feeling pretty empty rite now.. half of the time i just wish i was alone.. i mean, left alone. away from distractions.. away from all the "whys" and "whaddiffs?".. away from all the decisions that have to be made.. away from just being there for people.. away from being the me that i am..

but as hard as i try to shut myself from everything, and everyone... i guess.. i dunnoo.. don't wanna tink about stuff rite now... bumming life rocks..

went to repair my bike today.. yahoo!! got new handle bars!! n may i say.. they're WOW. changed some other parts too.. hehe.. bikes rocks!!! gonna go nite cycling tmr.. good.. can go riding and that's such a wonderful feeling.. looking forward to tmr.. most definitely.

ok.. life is good.. just feel mixed up at times.. not happy, not sad, not angry, not disappointed, not void, not whatever.. just empty.

-let me be-