jus reached glorious home awhile ago. realised that my bro's having a birthday party in TWO DAYS. how could i have forgotten?? hahha. i didn't.. he's official birthday IS NEXT WEEK. =)

took today to jus sit and re-read some stuff i got. re-read this letter a long while back.. a letter i got before i left for bangkok with eugene n gang. its truly been soo long. so long since u last wrote. sometimes i tink that the only reason why you're still hanging around cuz you feel responsible. hanging for the sake of hanging. is that a form of responsibility? is responsibility a kind of love? commitment will grow into responsibility, i mean if u tink about it. and isn't tat a way of loving someone too?

why am i still hanging unto us? jus for the sake of hanging on? becuz i know that at the end of the day, we can make each other happy? becuz i have faith in us? becuz i know that we're great together? i can't say that i have an absolute answer to "why am i hanging unto us?".. but it jus disturbs me to know that even if i leave, you'll still be okay with it. its painful to know that i am but your ordinary. how u can tell me some of yr fears and frustrations.. and go on to say, that i'm not sympathetic enough. that very night, after u went on to do yr work, i sat under the great black sky... a little hurt, a little bruised, but definitely more aware and conscious of how much i mean to you. the crux of it all, i'm just someone u met along yr journey in life.

-eat,shoots and leaves-

my flock taken awhile back! =) 

spent an hr with God last nite. it was awesome, refreshing, and i felt.. "i'm back!" again. felt happy. felt thankful, felt blessed, felt better about everything. without Him, i would have been unable to prep for lesson. Learnt more about righteousness.. so much more. read Romans.. and spent time thinking about righteousness, so it wasn't one of those.. i-have-to-rush-thro prep for cell, which i am guilty of sometimes. =)

cell went great today. prayed before it started.. and my heart was in tune with Him, so gave everything to Him. felt loved cuz Jess gave me a present.. haha. but i was ever so much more encourgaed when she gave everyone an easter egg with their names on it. that was really sweet. times like these, when i feel like hugging everyone one of them. i had a good sunday. well rested and all. so thank you Lord. also happy cuz got a chance to talk to Patrick. really thank God for Him.. u have no idea! can really trust Him, and its jus comforting to know that he will always have your back. AHHH. so u see.. God watches out for us, in His own way.

so now, its time to pass-it-on. time to show our appreciation to chun lek! grin. we're all his cell members, yet sometimes, we forget to show our appreciation cuz he's really blessed me with so much. woooot~

sue called while i was resting in the afternoon. hahaha. miss her man. she was really pissed with u know who. hahahaha. ah wells. glad 518 didn't come. hahahahaa =) tmr is sluggy tan big day.. so this post goes out to her also...... KEEPING YOU IN PRAYER!

this week is gonna be crazy.. presentation.. 2 tests. one tmr.. programming!!! 18 more days to my exams. so, if i don't avail myself to stuff, pls understand.

happy tat we chatted. happy tat we talked, encouraged and shared about our problems and joys. happy to know you and have u in my life.

-filled up once more-

its a saturday. stayed in the entire day. did some work, but fell asleep. noe something? even though i live in the hostel, i hardly get enough rest. and durin the weekends, i jus sleep. what a life eh?

watched a few episodes of Will & Grace.. lovely. watched I do[but i don't] on the Hallmark channel. not too bad. jus had a really painful headache. couldn't do anything for one hour. urgh. don't u jus hate it when u can't do anything about something? urgh.

my cell member jus went.. are u okay? he told me tat lately, he and some of the other cell members feel tat i've been rather "sian sian", not bubbly like i used to be. my heart jus ached even more. so true u noe.. u can never hide anything from yr cell. esp, your emotions. okay, mayb its jus me lah. i just can't. well, i try, but they see thro me i guess. tats scary.

he was right. actually he's not the only one who told me this.. to all around me, i'm sorry. i just think for now, i'm stretched too thin with everything. with cell, school, driving, family, holiday-ing, with the ppl that matter to me.

to sluggy: ALL THE WAY! n noe that AA has yr back always!

i dont need a Happily ever after, cuz no one can promise that. all i want is to figure out how to change from a G chord to an Am7. all i want is for the semester to end. all i want is to that a chance with you.


-bowling for my ALLS-

SIMPANG. we simpang-ed today! eugene came over to my house to help me wire up my laptop to cable. WOOOOT. thanks man. away with Pentium 1 now! ahaz. =)

had 2 kosong and tea-oh-peng. rocks man. ling, sue, gene and i sat there for like 3 hours? to the mamabull i tell u. we sat, ate, talked, joked, laughed our heads over Russel Peters.. over LOBSTER girl.. over stuff that mattered to us. got a little morbid when we talked about death.. and tmr incidentally.. EASTER.

i love such gatherings cuz it keeps me, me. it reminds me of who i am, so blessed to have such great friends who love me for me. missed gene man. happy to have caught up with him and to know that we're gonna lose him to army soon. ahahz. ppl think tat during such AA meetings, all we do is talk crap, gossip and all that superficial stuff.. and all i can say is.. YOU are so wrong. we do bitch about stuff, but we definitely do talk about things that matter. but most of all, we have such a great time. i love u guys.

sue talked about the book which a lady was brought to heaven many times and she saw lots. we were discussing on the kinds of mansion and the riches that we've stored in heaven. n it hit me, i tink i'll like in an atap house or like some run down mansion. how pure can our hearts be? how much can we store? how do we run this race of ours? how much have we done and are we.. good and faithful servants? such thoughts jus rang in my mind. baffled.

attending the wake tmr. just the very thought of it.. blown away.

aah. if God were to tell u tat u had 2 years to live, what would u do?

-coming back soon-

my cell member's dad passed away today. i feel the lost. i feel the pain that struck my heart oh so hard.

to be honest. my heart's not been oh so great. i tink it's healing, but the pain of stuff is there. emotions are such double edged swords.

tooth hurts like crap. went to the dentist yesterday.. ah. why does everything hit me all at once? like wat rach said.. i must stop being kind. HAHAHAHHA. tat sounds a little weird.. but i shan't explain, cuz i'm too tired to type.

okay. i need to rest now. too much stuff that i shall jus take it to my dreams.

-a time of silence-

crashed my friend's maddness n literature lecture today. interesting. learnt this.. the longer we spend with each other, the lesser we know about one another. WHY? cuz we stopped looking at each other. we keep comparing ppl to cliches, preventing ourselves to see them for their own true self. the lecturer was talking about a book called "The book of evidence". really interesting.

have i stopped looking at you? we will never be together if all we do is live in fear. true happiness. what does it mean? is happiness that pot of gold after the rainbow? do we perceive happiness to be something that we've not got? do we believe in the idea that true happiness is not the state that we're in jus because we face struggles here and there? or have we placed true happiness as a commodity that can only be attained once we start feeling right about things? when we start delighting in what we're doing, not because we have to do it, but because we want to do it? is happiness that true after all?the simple things in life, flying a kite, sitting a swing, taking a stroll.. don't this count for that little bit of happiness? i hope u find your true happiness soon.

rach is rite. i need a break cuz deep down inside, i've fallen. if only you knew. looking forward to my 3 weeks away. away from my ritualised life. My way of escape.

how does it feel to be happy?

feeling a little better after visiting sue yest. had a good laugh with chenglooooooo and jo. tasted the good times once more. except that sluggy was having her prac.

parents n bro are taking a trip to KL on thurs mornin till sat nite, so its just me. must pray extra more for their safety and return tooo.. yarp yarp.

let me tell u something silly. I went back all e way to hostel WITHOUT my wallet. which translates to without my house keys AND hostel keys. and guess wat? my roommate wasn't in. BEST RIGHT? thank God for daddy. i was like.. sorry daddy. felt so bad.. urgh.

when you purpose in yr heart, to so see the bigger and brighter picture.. u see the rainbow from a distance.

when things matter, everything else pales in comparison to it. when you start picking up wherever you've left of, the fleeting moments remain.

-only just begun-

emotion: void yet a tinge of saddness.

SOS tmr, yet i'm not how i should be feeling. listenin to the welcome to NUS CELL cd. good songs, songs that can still touch my stoned heart.

void. too many things have happened, too many things that have gone unspoken, too many times when i've said "its okay" when it isn't. too many times you've said "i'm sorry" when sometimes u mean it, and others, u say it for the sake of saying it.

we dig out our own graves. too many times i've looked beyond what we were, what we said, what you did, what i've done becuz i felt there was a future. i felt tat it was worth it. yet here i am, feeling void. feeling way beyond what empty words can convey because when u've been hurting for so long, all u ever want is to make things right. you made me happy, e sacrifices; i thank you.

when u look back, are there more roses or thorns? do we look beyond the thorns but count our roses because we can't bring ourselves to admit that there were but too many thorns? do we learn to live with the thorns because its hurt till it doesn't hurt no more?

i want to fly and get out of this place. just a little bit more.

-such pointless-ness-

mood: not too fine

i miss the days when i could jus bum and do whatever i want.

emotions. are we all clouded by our emotions that we use our heart more than our head? and if we use none of our heart and all of our head, is that how one prevents getting hurt? is that how we should run our lives and make our decisions? i say siao ar!! i dun want to be numb, i'm jus tired of dealing with us at times. where's my shovel..

the heart.. i think my heart can't take it anymore. nowadays.. i jus feel tat i could suffer a melt down soon.. from the stress of muggin for exams[in 5 weeks time], from travelling here n there.. from availing myself to things.

such fleeting moments.. i jus wish i could jus sit, and enjoy all thats around me. i need rest. i need to know where i'm going. looking forward to june, cuz thats when the real change begins. or so i hope.

-destined to win-

mood: feeling like a joke

what a farce. urgh.

do we say we learn lessons just to lessen the pain? do we say Hi, how are you? jus for the sake of saying it? do we say things just to be politically correct? do we turn to humour jus because thats the only way to help deal with the pain?

its painful liking someone so much when you know that u could never be liked with that same measure of like-ness. its painful hanging unto something that u've built for oh so long, when perhaps you're jus tired of trying, tired of being, tired of lookin for answers that u jus, lose yourself? its painful not being able to sound happy because, sometimes,jus sometimes, yr frankness makes me wonder, why do i hold on? its painful to know that, i can never be your equal.

to my good friends.. if u noe what i'm talking about..dun turn around and slap me rite in e face with wat i jus said.

-wacked out of my mind-