what else is there to say? i'm SICK and TIRED of everything. yesterday i just hid myself in my room and cried out to the Lord.. "why me?" i'm sick and tired of havin to go thro appeals.. interviews.. setbacks.. disappointments. i've had enuff.

kenny asked a good question .. "what's holding me back?".. fear. yes, fear. the past 2 months has been so frustrating.. so disappointing. unsuccessful for smu, unsuccessful for nus.. the frustration is beyond description. yes, i should try to appeal for nus.. i should.

i know everyone is worried for me.. bout makin this decision in acceptin engineering.. so am i. of course i will be.. cuz I'M THE ONE WHO'S GONNA BE STUDYIN IT FOR THE REST OF MY 4 YEARS. i don't know what i'm passionate about.. food science? ya.. food science.. it's so interesting..

do i see myself being an engineer for the rest of my life? NO. what's the point in appealin for Arts and Social science when i know that i'm not passionate bout the arts? i don't see myself in the near future to become a teacher.. or theatre.. or a pyschologist.. and honestly.. look at singapore.. can u really practise what u've learnt in arts and soci? i dunnooo..

i'm not engine? ya, perhaps. i know everyone screams at the thought of me going into engine, cuz they know that i don't want engine. and maybe i'm not cut out for engine. i hear u. i do. did some soul searching.. and i'm still at a lost. it's 28th june. about one more month before uni starts..

and the song goes.. "only God knows.."..

God.. "why me?"

muffled. that's rite.. my ear has been muffled for the PAST WEEK!! gosh. i still can't hear perfectly with my left ear.. it really is true.. i mean.. u won't know or value somethin unless its really gone! aiyayaya.. help!

been thinkin bout hostel living.. haha.. gosh. must STOP taking my house for granted.. the cup of cold water.. just a few steps away.. the privacy.. the space.. my own bathroom.. food.. hmmm.. sigh. so much to take into consideration.. BUT i can't wait! ha. gonna be roomies with lesley[yes, she's a girl..]. hahaha.. hope and pray we get hall 2 or some other halls with our very own toilets!!! aiyayaay!

hmmm.. went back to sch to collect my a level cert today.. can't believe i actually survived 2 whole years in tpjc!! weeee..

*kodak moment* need to be alone.. ya. time to take things slow and just well.. be alone. there's comes a point in time when u just don't feel like going out or doing anything.. now, that's true bumming.. and i'm in e mood for it.. ay..but i still wanna go to the gym. hate fats.

still deciding whether to go for the hostel camp.. came home and received another big envelope from NTU.. all the camps and student union stuff.. gosh. hmmm.. nothin catches my eye.. help. not in the mood for orientation camp or hostel camp or whatever camp.. just feel like decoratin my hostel room and gettin my life straightened out.. don't get me wrong.. i'm not suicidal or anythin.. i just feel that it's too "ra-ra" and i guess.. i'm tired. sick of being and not becoming.

went to borders today.. read "Eat, shoots and leaves".. hahah.. nice. gettin a few books next week.. going sun-tanin with emily next week.. hopefully su feng will wanna go gym again!! yar. just wanna immerse in reading and waitin for the day that i can brin myself to GO FLY KITE! ha. grin.

anyway.. really pleased to follow up with 2 of my cell memebers yesterday.. jon and alena.. must try and instill effective follow up.. but i have no idea in going about.. ay.. but the idea is there.. weeee.. tryin to get my bro to go sparklight this sunday.. most likely with be the 3 o'clock one.. but i dunnoo.. we'll see.. we'll see.

-note to self: gotta save money for end of yr trip!

It's midnight. gosh. had a lovely day out with emily.. catchin up and all.. ya. felt like a slug.. kept yawnin and yawnin.. u won't believe what we did.. after sitting/bumming at cartel for like 3 hrs.. we went to isetan only to find ourselves sitting at shoe section yawnin our hearts out.. stoning. ha. what a day i say..

bought daddy a belated father's day slice of cake!!! finally.. after 19 years on the planet.. i told my dad, "we love you!" .. after what john said durin the announcement in church.. ya, i wanted to let my dad know.. well.. am glad i did.

it's been so long.. where do i begin. i'm still BURNT from wild wild wet theme park since thurs.. gosh. my ear is still muffled!! pray for my ear.. will be servin for MS this sat.. so.. ya.. have faith that while singin.. my hearin will be back to normal!

cell was FABULOUS!! had 2 new comers and they're stayin in the cell.. forever.. hahaha.. grin. yay!! finally new blood.. and finally.. the cell is GROWING!! yahoo!! lesson went well.. in fact.. everythin just flowed.. they responded.. praise and worship was amazing.. God was good. i mean, God is good. all the time i'd say! BUT.. gotta work on the cell's unity.. yup yup.. guess its my fault, cuz in the beginnin i didn't instill tat we'll sit together durin speedlight and have lunch after that.. but it's like 1/2 of the cell will serve for speedlight.. so.. there's gonna be like 6 of us.. hmmm.. need to find an efficient way of followin up.. gosh. hope they don't feel neglected.. cuz followin up has been my weakest point.. and they're still in the holiday mode.. hahaha.. nvm.. i'll start small.. how how how??

praiselight. that has been an issue for a long time now.. when i'm called to serve for MS for praiselight.. i have no qualms bout it. none. i know that i'll really be serving and praising the Lord. but when i'm asked to go back for prac for speedlight choir.. i'm not convicted enuff.. or.. let's say.. i'm hesistant. very. VERY. it's not bout pride.. it's not bout what notes i can sing.. but its bout whether i'm going back for the rite reasons.. attitude. it's been 8 months.. or longer since i went back.. and the longer i wait.. the longer i hesistate.. the less i see myself going back. help. i've left this area of my life.. untouched. kept it out of prayer in a long while... cuz.. other things came into the picture.. uni.. cell.. life.. friends.

ay.. its the last week of hols for my cell.. love hols.. i think i've been enjoyin every single bit of it for the past 7 months? such a slug.. must exploit it to the maximus.. shall go cycling.. gyming.. and argh.. haven't picked up a guitar yet.. argh. nvm.. wait for this months allowance.. *fingers crossed* what else have i not done that i told myself to do.. FLY KITES! yes. i must i must i must.. hmm.. other than that.. i've fulfilled what i wanted to do after the "A" levels.. yay. satisfaction! *huge grin*

i miss all the guys who are in NS. man.. serving the nation.. and yar.. gosh. miss jinli.. who's in sispec rite now.. perhaps learnin how to use some weapon or what not.. miss talkin to em.. i guess army changes ppl.

hmmm.. just wanna get out of singapore again. gosh. love bangkok.

-try shutting up-

"Oh Lord I will give my life to You, loving You, serving You as a living sacrifice.. Give my heart, give my strength, give my very BEST for You.." part of the theme song for my church camp.. and i can honestly say.. i have never ever felt ever so much more convicted to do God's work and give my all for Him. am so much more restored, anoited and His peace and love have filled me up and i'm ready.

the last church camp was the turnin point in my life, the beginning of surrendering.. and for this church camp.. i am empowered and that i can truly say.. greater is He that is within me. felt the urge to start doing something for my family cuz my parents and bro are not saved and my sis has back slided.. i have to, i must and i will.

when this song came on durin one of the worship sessions.. "Thank You for the cross.. thank You for the nail pierced hands.. washing all my sin and shame.." i was so overwhelmed.. so taken.. so amazed.. so broken. Thank You for the cross.

the past 4 days have stretched me to my limit.. my SMU interview.. games com.. GAD tribe.. preparations.. but it's also taught me so much. i've come to realised that everythin right from the uni admissions all the way to the camp pre-preparations and the events in the camp were all put and placed by God.. in His own perfect time to let me see.. faith. faith. faith.

i can't explain what faith is.. but i can tell u what faith can do. it changes yr life.. forever.

the second day of camp was mind blowing.. had my interview.. had the treasure hunt game.. had such a great worship session.. i was mentally drained and physically exhausted.. but the Lord came thro for me.. He did.

being in camp com has certainly been such an experience. it really taught me the value of servanthood.. to just keep serving.. service to God. all the behind the scenes.. the meetings.. the doing.. really really am so humbled and so encouraged when i see the rest of the camp com working. God is so good.. and i'm really so blessed to be in this church with all this great people.

just came home from post camp briefing.. yupp.. it was good. God still is good.. playing Hillsongs.. United More than life album.. it rocks.. gosh. Met up with jinli just now.. miss talkin to him so much.. haven't seen him in a gazillion years.. well.. home alone cuz family went to malacca.. it's a good alone time to think and reflect how i wanna live the rest of the year.. hope SMU comes through for me..

i had enuff of people talkin bout NUS.. really, i had enuff. but i'm glad i didn't get Arts and Social science cuz i really wouldn't noe wat i'm gonna do with my life afterwards.. so.. i dunno.. just hope and pray it'll all work out in due time.. hmmm.. Joshua Generation.. wat Pacer said durin one of the sermons really spoke to me.. so.. i'm gonna go like be alone for awhile.. lookin forward to cell tmr.. so.. just wanna end of this post with.. All that we ever need is God.

hmm.. went swimmin early in the mornin at 8 today! haha.. swam 22 laps!! yahoo!! grin. so happy! but.. my tan line is HORRIBLE!! to the maximus i tell u.. argh..

anyhow..went to church for games com.. cut so much paper.. and bla bla bla.. the behind the scenes of the games.. so exciting.. yet so tiring too.. fingers are like numb.. so.. ya. gosh. can't believe camp is in 2 days.. yet i feel like i dunnoo...

noe that we're supposed to go expectin somethin from the Lord.. guess been out of touch with Him.. i guess. no, i mean, i am? ya. too obsessed with the doing.. and everything else.. i dunnoo.. argh. ya.. ok, i'll end here.. going for FOP tmr.. let's hope the Lord will touch and renew my spirit once again.

SHREK 2!!! finally watched shrek 2 with my bro and sufeng.. hahaha.. yayayayay.. love pinocchio(hope i spelt it rite).. n the PUSS zee boots!! lol.. grin.

went out with jess and friends.. just came back.. sufferin from a bad headache.. drank like half of the strawberry margarita.. and some other drinks as well.. head hurts.. think i'm gonna get the motherload of a migraine tmr.. goin swimmin early in the mornin with cher.. haha.. she's jess friend from tkgs.. cool cool.. swimmin gets me excited!! yayaa.. burn those bloody fats! then later gotta rush down to church for games comm.. aiyo.. thank God i finished cutting the stuff already.. so.. i'm just prayin for strength for tmr..

ooo.. by the way.. i'm in the tribe of GAD!! yayaya.. mel's tribe. hahah yanda's my leader too.. hahah.. i'm his member.. along with tristan.. hahha.. good good!! gettin all so excited for camp and all!! yay!

spoke to one of my cell member's mum today.. grin.love them to the max.. hahah.. i'm gonna get a present which i gave back, back. grin. grin. grin. it's such a nice gesture and apparently.. the parents took 3 weeks to find it!! i better accept it!!! wee wee!! so.. this brings my grand total of bags that i have to... ONE MILLION.. hahah jus kidding.. aiya.. i have too many that i have storage problems.. hahah..

well.. do hope i'll be able to make it for FOP.. we'll see how it goes. anyhow, head hurts.. sleeping now.. nite.

BURNT. yes, i'm sunburnt!! argh.. went kayakin yesterday with my jc pals.. wa.. MY SHOULDERS ARE SORE TO THE MAXIMUS! gosh.

just finished sorting out my closet.. got tons of clothes to give away to charity.. so.. if u do.. let me know? cuz my aunty sends clothes over to india or third world countries.. wee wee.. pls don't give clothes that have holes or whatever not.. think of the kids who have nothin to wear receivin your clothes.. yup.

haven't gotten down to unpackin my new clothes in my luggage.. pretty tired and exhausted.. cuz i don't tink i've gotten my ample sleep since sunday.. got so much paper to cuT!!! hhahaah.. love bangkok.. i love chatchuchak i tell u.. grin.

dad just asked me whether i wanted star movies or hbo.. hahaha.. i want star movies!! yay!

anyhow.. feeling weird. gettin excited bout university.. and for those who still don't know, i got NTU engine a long while ago.. this time round, i gotta keep my focus on studies.. i'm fine with engine, honest. i know most ppl will prob say, "it's so not you".. but a long time ago, while still in sec school.. i really wanted to be an engineer.. somethin like what my dad does. it's pretty cool.. i think i can look forward to something at least.. BUT, i will still not abandon my idea on settin up my own t-shirt line.. soon. gonna get down to gettin the software.. dad said he'll inject the money.. so.. who knows?

SMU's interview is next week.. we'll see how it goes.. will pray bout it. can't wait to decorate my hall room.. hahah.. so exciting. i guess no matter where i go, i will try and embrace the culture and let the Lord lead me.. cuz like how psalm 23 goes.. he'll lead me..

whatever happens, i still thank God for my family.. my friends.. and my cell. they keep me grounded and let me see the beauty of life. isn't God good?

"It is much easier to do something than to trust in God; we mistake panic for inspiration. That is why there are so few fellow workers with God and so many workers for Him... When God wants to show you what human nature is like apart from Himself, He has to show it you in yourself." -oswald chambers