YOU WON'T UNDERSTAND

Often people say to me "You just won't understand." "You're way too old," or "Way too young".

I don't know why some people feel they suffer unique pain. As if they are the only ones who've lost or ceased to gain. I don't know why they hide their pain and clutch it ever tighter. It seems to me that all should know - a burden shared gets lighter.

Why some folks even deign to think the pain that's in their heart, Is all their own, to keep and hoard, they set themselves apart. They keep their eyes from meeting mine lest I should see their hurt. And even if we stop and speak their words are often curt.

The Bible says: 'Two' can withstand what overcomes just 'one'. And also that - a 'Cord of Three' can scarcely be undone.

Besides, I know the ways of hurt - My heart's been crushed before. Friends have betrayed - I've lost at love, Despair's knocked at my door.

And I Remember - Thoughts gone wild - And crying late at night. Not having strength to care at all - Much less the strength to fight. But, someone special came to me - And when my trials were told. I realized that with their tears - They'd eased my heavy load.

And so, I learned - that Pain - like Love - Is bearable if shared. I don't know what I would have done without that friend who cared.

My trials did not vanish fast - In fact the time was long. But sharing gave me breathing space until I could grow strong enough to laugh again and even start to smile - And though it seemed it could not help - It eased my pain awhile.

So, if you think that you can't share because I won't understand. At least just give me half a chance to lend a helping hand. For I know that you're hurting and I know a place to start. Perhaps if you could realize - Your pain burns in my heart.

I know I cannot make your trials and troubles go away. But maybe I can help a bit to get you through today. And maybe by tomorrow you won't need help anymore. But if you should - Don't be ashamed - For that's what friends are for.And after all is said and done - The trials ceased - You're whole. Perhaps you'll know just what to do to help another soul - Who's being crushed by hurt and pain - be it woman or a man. And you won't have to hear them say "You just won't understand."

Author Unknown

privacy is one thing. sharing is another. re-read an email... it definitely packed a punch. got me thinking about a lot of things. pride, feelings, emotions, tensions, forgiveness, misinterpretations, nerves... racked up more than i tot it would; memories. some stuff i've forgotten... it all came back.

the anger that went right thro' u burns my heart. and once again, we did collide.

stop all the world now

was tryin to prep lesson in the day.. tot of lesson plans.. read up some stuff... going back to the basics. back to the AIM of cell... perhaps i've gotten offtrack all this while. all i can say is that.. it all boils down to the heart. the heart of the matter is the matter of the heart. simple. i just hope and pray that sunday's cell lesson will be one that will touch them and spur them on. =)

-ain't tat true-

after gyming with carl!! woooohoo. we went to the Guard's camp there.. hahahha. thanks for the ride!! booya! GREEN AND GOLD! 

lunch at the zhi cha stall! yummmy.  

SERGENT LEE JINLI!!!

hahaha. finally after soooo sooooo sooooo long.. got to see Jinli.. and better yet, in his uniform. hahahhahah. my my my.. he certainly lost weight.. poor thing. =( really missed him!

but i had fun today! going into his vehicles.. switchin on the WIPER! how cool is that.. sitting at the back.. experiencing how it'll be like if there's WAR! and the hatchet thats on the top of e vehicle.. cool to the maximus of the mamabull. i love tanks!!!!!!!

just went downstairs to pass him the stuff from bangkok and LA. woot woot. must sit down and catch up with him soooooon.. really wanna invite him to our church's july 17th youth challenge thingy.. its time.. its time!

spent 30 minutes repacking my wardrobe.. shall do more tmr.. hehe. giving stuff away to charity.. as for the others, u'll get an sms from me soon. hahahaha. i have formal shirts and tops to give away! yaboodoos.

okay! my breath smeellllls of durian. hehe. away i go to the land that i love!

-its okay to say i don't know-

foooooood away! again.. we reunited at... THE SOUP RESTAURANT. hahhaha. got myself a mango top for those formal dinners and a skirt from AZTEC! yay! good buys good buys.. haiz.. what about the GAS jeans.. *still thinking* we must JIAYOU jo!!!!! no more fats! =) 

how cool is that!! hahaha. jinli in his uniform and me in the funky mama vehicle! i nearly fell while holding the gun thingy.. CUZ JINLI didn't attach the leg raise thingy properly.. but not his fault..its the machine's!! hahaha. or so i say... why do army man not smile when taking photos??? to look cool is it? hahahha. i wanted to pat the dog.. but the guy said.. "i tink u shouldn't!!".. ahhh =) 

NUS CELL-ed

spent the day with jo.. at the pool, having lunch.. watching a movie.. had a good time catching up! yarrh.. i seriously tell u guys ah.. the brain cells inside my brain that controls my eating has gone NUTS! or it has completely like eradicated or something. i can't stop eating. i get hungry so easily.. HELP.. HELP. ask jo how much i ate today.. i had.. noodles for lunch, waffles + ice cream of snack time, ate a cup of sweet corn [so buttery!!] in the cinema, had a MOS cheesburger meal after tat.. and went on to Ching Lu's house for dinner. HELP! help.. can someone like tell me how to stop and control?? the only way i can do it.. is to have a huge mirror and put it in my bag.. to remind myself how much cardio i have to do to burn it all away. I HATE FATS. =/

oh.. went swimming and wat did we see in the pool??? SNORTS?! yes.. a huge blob of yellow snort at the bottom.. circling my feet! i screamed i tell u. its the biggest blob of snort i have ever seen in my life.. esp one that can swim. INCONSIDERATE SWIMMERS! snort in the toilet or something.. not in the pool!!! can u imagine if u were swimming and suddenly something got stuck on yr goggles?? or on yr hands? or if u swallowed water.. sway sway it went into yr BODY??!!?!? gross. *rolls eyes* urgh.. so pls.. the next time u go swimming.. wear a full body suit or something! plus oxygen tank. urgh.. *SCREAMS*

on a brighter note! today was Ching Lu's birthday and York Keng's one too.. plus Chun LeCk's bye bye nite before serving our land. =) had fun in the kitchen with gracia.. cutting up potatoes and lettuces.. fingers going numb cuz of the hot hot hot eggs and potatoes! mel's constant "can i help with anything??" .. alicia's snipping away of the otak so it can fit into the oven... hahahha. such a warm and fun gathering i had. so great to be in such a wonderful cell. so thankful. so happy!!!! fellowship of the saints? grin.

thank you so very much Chun LeCk

now onwards.. i will always remember the C in yr name. hahaha. thanks also for the book, will read it and take points down! all the times i travelled down from the jungle, i've NEVER been shortchanged. never. always took back something new, somthing to ponder about and something to share either with my roomie or with cell.. thank you for all the pass-it-ons i received.. and all the engravings of the Word i got out of yr lesson. esp the Parable about rest.. and the banquet! you've been there for me! definitely. as for that area of my life, aaahh.. will keep u updated! *grin* so, enjoy NS mr. romantic! He will see u thro' it!

under the weather, feeling the pain

hope u feel better sooooooooooon. keeping u in prayer.. so are the rest too.. By His strips, u will be healed. amen. =)

-looking up to Him-

what's there to say.. other than.. we'll miss u Chun LeCk! thank you for being such an encouragement and a wonderful teacher.. and friend.  

"final" cell with Chun Leck before he leaves for prison[army!!].. grin. what a fun fun fun time we had.. gathering and just catching up with each other's lives! =)

a day at the pool! i need more cardio cardio cardio!

watched Batman Returns with pa and ma! the first time we watched a show TOGETHER since i was pri 3 or was ir pri 6? we watched Braveheart a long long time ago.. tat was my first midnight movie.. and it was with my family!! eee har! had a lovely time.

CELL!!!! games day! wooohoo! dim summed with ling and jo! =)

chatchuchak!

rural area.. to MBK. the pretty girl playing on her instrument! so preettty man! heheh. and us goofing around with the characters.. i tink carl really looks like the lazy garfield! hahah. we really chiong-ed suan lum night market! fun fun fun. look at slavish carl. hahahahahaahhahaha.

chaps.

oh happy day! check out sue's fingers! hahaha. so cute.. a day away from civilisation... hehehe. check out all their happy faces with the grasshoper! =)

PATPONG! haha.look at the red bull tops! hehehehe. not forgetting the bacardi. woooot. i still prefer the orange one. hahahaha.

maggie moos! i love the ice cream! wee hee. did u noe tat kiat loves ice cream? hahaha. check out the 465 tread count on the bedspread carl bought!! woo. definitely $$$! hehehe. check ivan out.. hahahaha. =)

check out carl's haircut! woohoo. tuk tuk rocks my world man.. we all went to Yaowarat for dinner. sooo full.. check out my mother's happy face! weeee heee!!

hard rocked! hehehe. check out carl's hair! so shaggy!! woohoo.

bangkok!

so much has happened.. yet i dunno where to start. fighting battles, and some i dunno whether its time to raise the white flag.

finally back from bangkok, and no, i didn't shop like crazy, but i did watch 2 movies and stood up for their national athem. and no, i didn't get any coconuts. drats. =/

cell is in the midst of transformation. i just wanna say that He is more than enough for us. if ever a time u need confirmation that He is watching u, dial my number. i'm serious. cuz He is. there were times when i felt like (-)ve 1 on the sine curve, so discouraged, so empty, so numb? yes, there was. yet, in His own way.. i was reminded time and time again of His goodness and providence. take yesterday for example.. i was sitting in the office with the alvin's.. waiting for 5pm to come so that we can start our prayer thingy.. and Lewis Lam was right next to me.

He said "How are u? How's yr cell group?".. i know this sounds like a normal question.. one where u can just say.. i'm fine, cell's good. but i didn't.. i started sharing about my cell, the questions i face.. the stuff i'm grappling with.. and Lewis started sharing too. it was definitely very uplifting, very encouraging. [this is what sunday's should be!!!!] cuz He said this, [i sorta rephrased it cuz i can't remember exactly what he said..], if ever a time u or yr cell members feel so dry, or just take christianity lightly, you are too filled up with worldy stuff. that was a lightbulb moment for me. He went on further sharing with me what he did with his cell [pri 6's]... and how they went "huh??? no cell ah!!" when he told them it was games day yesterday.

i want tat for my cell. i want them to say HUH? no cell ah. dun get me wrong.. sometimes when u've prep so much for a lesson, all u ever want is for them to catch it on, and engrave it in their hearts.

But, yes ling [i know yr rolling yr eyes cuz with me, there's always a but..], how can i want that for them when my own life is so caught up with the world. time to take the roots out. woke up and laid in bed reflecting about my life.

some stuff seem so grey and hazy now, cuz i jsut can't remember them so clearly anymore. others, i think i've let go and forgotten completely. memories. all bitter-sweet, what do u remember most? the heartaches? the (+)ve one's on the sine curves?

build me up buttercup

i don't know where to begin on this. i don't know what to say anymore cuz i just don't know. i'm not gonna do anything anymore cuz i don't need to. i'm not gonna explain anymore cuz it needs no explaination. i should have tried harder, i should have. all the i should have's could circle around the earth at least twice. no point living in regrets. i'm gonna let it go, cuz there's no point clinging onto words, cuz if u look beyond that, they're just empty.

you're walking with stupid.

-love me if you dare-

finally! OUT WITH STONE and LILI! wooohoo. finally man.. haiz. and now i'm flying off. hahaha. check lili's permed hair.. hahaha. CAN U SPOT THE DIFF? LOL. stone still stoning man. hehehe. lili came all the way to singapore.. to eat.. Long john's silver.. hahahahahahahaha. i laugh at myself when i tink of it.. JK. =)

MS and cell 

Happy Father's Day!

yes indeed. father's day! definitely one of the less celebrated days of the year! but ah wells. the idea is there. wooot woot!

we had zhi2 cha4 for dinner. I LOVE zhi2 cha4. we went to this place in bedok.. thank God got no que cuz we got there at 7pm and we were hungray. yeeah.. all occassions be it, mother's day, my birthday, my mum's birthday, my bro's birthday.. we all have.. ZHI CHA. hahahahha. food rocks, price cheap, WHO CAN ARGUE!! =)

today.. wow.. the bitter gourd soup was delicious. not really a fan of bitter gourd but this time round, yeah.. goooooood stuff. had my all time favourite dishes, pai3 kwok4 wong2.. woooh hoo.. and tie2 ban3 toufu! felt like my day! hahahha. but it was ah pa's day.. yeah.

didn't get him anything.. later gonna go frame up photos. [i love framming photos!].. yeah.. the other time went to ikea bought like a gaziillion frames.. now i'm just using them. always good to stock up on stuff like tat.. esp cards too..! yuuuppers.

my house is in a MESS. yes.. its not those.. "woah my house is messy" lines.. its seriously messy like.. DEAD SERIOUS MESSY. u have no idea.. later i go take photo of the hall, yr jaw will drop. confirm chop stamp. ever since i returned... parents came back from taipei.. and then they got busy getting tickets to bkk, and swimming.. and everytime u unpack.. WOAH.. its thrown all over the place man. wooooo.

k, i cannot take it anymore, my stomach hurts like crap. hahahaha. blog soon.

don't dream its over.

experienced His touch again. once during the chalet P & W, and today during MS. my heart just ached like it never did before, it really felt like something was pressing against it.. soo very painful.. and i knew whom it was for, it was for my cell members, jinli, and my family's salvation. u could just sense His presence the moment u entered the sanctuary.. how awesome.. so very awesome.

if a human heart could ache so much, how much more would His hurt?

hide me under Your wings.

chalet-ed.

so many things to say, but i'll just be selective nonetheless.

cell chalet. ahh. how to put everything down.. so i'll just blog whatever comes to mind. i tink what chun leck said its true, i'm a perfectionist when it comes to my cell. haiz. so after so long.. i'm trying to stay afloat in the midst of everything. the boys will one day make such great boyfriends and dad's.. u can just see it in them. definitely. however.. some of them are going thro' things that i dun noe how to handle. like what pastor hentry says, when u don't know how to do something, the best thing to do is admit it and ask for help. gonna ask ivan, kenny and chun leck for advice...

hmmm. cell ain't perfect, but i thank God for each and everyone of them. so mannny things to do ahhhhh. *screams* but it'll be okay, cuz i know He's watching us all.

sooo.. for now, taking baby steps with tons of stuff.

just chatted with my sister. good stuff to have an elder sister. she's in illinois now.. my sister rocks my world. always looked up to her.. she was never the conformer and i admire her for that. without her, i tink my life would have been so very different. u have no idea. =)

wish i had more time.

-cows come home-

i can't do it all by myself.

gonna go for cell chalet tmr.. i'll just pack tmr cuz i'm too tired. went for a jog, and usually, i love my jogs, but i just hated today's one.. dunno why. maybe due to the constant SMOKERS who pass me by. arrgh. doesn't matter.

really didn't prep myself to coming back home to singapore. slap me now.

listened to the Lighthouse Challenge in the afternooon... felt inspired and encouraged.. took points down.. now, gotta make them real. yes i know.. i'm slow.. ONLY LEFT 2 weeks... yeah yeah.. i get it... but better late then never.. I'M TRYING MY BEST!

my insides are like.. ripped apart. really. i dunno where to start, but thank u ching lu for listening and all.. we're in this together. cell.. cell.. cell. feeling stretched out inside.. my parents.. my obligations to friends.. relationships to salvage. ahhh..

give me time cuz i want to sort everything out.. just need more time.

-don't walk on by-

dim summed with my parents.. can't remember the day ah!!! haha. but i love dim sum. rocks my world too!

food glorious food. check out the stingray bones! LOOK at the one joanna massacred! ahhh.. it looks like rojak can.. hahahahha. so funny.. i still laugh to myself whenever i see joanna! her OBSESSIONS. kidding.

en route JB! yarrpers.. long overdued photos!! heheh.

"Never will I leave you;
Never will I forsake you."
Hebrews 13:5

Amen. to cut the long story short, after breakfast, got a call from one of my cell member's mum.. always love talking to her. definitely God sent.. and definitely came at the right time too. She left me with this verse that spoke to her.. and is speaking to me.

flew 22 hours on a plane to return to a long list of things to do, to recify, to plan, to carry out. i'm still jet lagging, urrgh. highly irritating. the thing that's slamming me right in the face is, my cell. gotta prioritize my time once again, and this time, no me, but more of them. so many things happening to each and every member in cell that ching lu and i feel so inadequate to handle. soo many things.

"I will lay down my idols,
thrones I have made,
and all that has taken my heart.."

have i? have i laid it all down to Him? no. i tink i've blogged tis before i flew, LA was my way of escape, and it served its purpose.. just needed a break from the dogmatic way of life. it sucks so much... to know how far i've drifted but thankfully, by His grace, i was reminded once again of His promise.

He will never leave, nor forsake.

and this is an absolute. a promise that i can count on all the days ahead. dunno how u see it, but from my point of view, thats all i need right now. assurance.

always wondered, what's my purpose?? have u ever reflected on yr life and felt that all the things u had or did just didn't matter? *kodak moment* somehow, somewhat blurry.. i'm finding that out each and every day at 5am. well today was 6am. cuz i just couldn't sleep.. the highest priority : parent's confirmed salvations. long while ago, i rejoiced when my mum took the sinner's prayer, but that was a year ago. since then, to be honest, i haven't been pro-active with the follow ups esp with her.. as for dad, i just need to be bolder in sharing.. yes.. i lack that esp when it comes to him. cuz religion to him, just seems so far and distant.. prob cuz of his childhood and all.

i know my posts ever since i've landed seems so heavy hearted, cuz i am. issues pertaining to cell and family are always somewhat heavy.. can't change the fact.

got off the wrong foot with u when i arrived. till u have time, i dunno what to say anymore. does familiarity truely breed contempt?

-i wish i could drink milk-

stop all the world now.

had a great outing with cell to JB. laughing about joanna with her stingray!! breathing in the endless carbon monoxide all the way to JB and back.. ordering 6 roti johns.. plus murtabak? ahhh.. and the kang kong that tasted so bland.. BUT the maggie goreng ROCKED MY WORLD. such great fellowship today.. maybe not exactly fellowship, but i had fun.. not forgetting terence taking the rap for sluggy with her bubble gums ah!!!! she made us wait for her tooo.. EH SLUG, u give a bad rep to TANS okay.. hahahahaha. did u know that chun leCk is a romantic? i didn't.. hahaha. dun kill me for this.. hahaha. =)

He'll catch you when you fall

She knows it’s too late as we’re walking on by
Her soul slides away
But don’t look back in anger
I heard you say

Take me to the place where you go
Where nobody knows
If it’s not our day

Even the best fall down sometimes
Even the stars refuse to shine
Out of the back you fall in time
I somehow find
You and I collide

You finally find
You and I collide

walk on by. walk on by.. kept repeating 2 songs on my media player.. you know somehow, sometimes u think, "he's got me..", but he hasn't. how different can 2 worlds be.. i really don't know. yes, i am reckless, i don't deny it.. i tink even my parents think so.. or is headstrong the word? i dunno. i tink i've never gotten over the fact how i should do-the-right-thing kinda way.. but yeah, its the christian way.

ever since i landed.. getting more and more incoherent. and my thoughts are just all over the place, and as usual.. i can't put my emotions and how i feel into words.. dunno why. i tink my escapism has taken me oh too far.. into lala land.. thinking that things were okay, but then.. it was plain denial on my part. or was it?

why do we get on each other's nerves? why do we collide on the issues that seem so little after it all?

after thinking about the whole thing, it really is my bad. should have put more thought before i got it. now, the only thing i can do is to stop feeling sorry and accept to never do it again.

after so long.. have we really gotten nowhere?

in the cab back, sue and ah lu said i should stop thinking so much.. maybe i should.

spoke to ah lu all the way till sue came onboard the train. found out things about my cell members i didn't know.. things that happened while i was away.. and all i can say is that.. it feels like its way beyond me. gotta keep the faith, cuz i know He's watching our paths every step of the way. *gotta keep telling myself tat*

could my will be God's will? am i going in the right direction? perhaps the lesson is one that can only be learnt in time. never meant to hurt nobody.

-rationalized, not.-

all the way HOME!!! made new friends.. Will and Vic.. very interesting.. check out the monks! hahaha. using their cell phones and shopping for perfume!! found it so weird!! man.. so happy tat onboard the plane back to singapore.. my leg space FINALLy was more than 10cm. YAY!  

happy family!!!! i'm gonna miss everyone!!! esp the kids.. and aunty's laughter!!! hahahaha... and ah ma house slipper sound! mmmm.. =)