BANGKOK!!! patpong!! thao ran! wahahahah.. bangkok rocks to the MAXIMUS OF THE MAMABULL!! no words can express i tell u.. went there and didn't feel one bit foreign to me! i embraced thailand! gosh. i think i'm thai.. actually i'm like 1/32 thai blood. but the idea is there..

ooooo... did i not say.. hahah.. i ripped my BEDSHEETS!! haha.. eugene and i were movin the bed and the bottom bedsheets was RIPPED!! wahahah.. grin. laughed like siao.. and we had a "who can bounced the longest contest".. sad to say.. i was defeated by just 5 bounces at the end of the trip.. ARGH.. not fair!!!

thailand.. amazing! sat at the roadside and ate durians and drank coconuts with eugene, brenda and sue and i tell u.. no one could give a damn bout us.. so lovely. the weather was oh so fine.. SHOPPING WAS THE MOTHERLOAD!! chatchuchak(hope i spelt it rite) was HUGE and didn't finish walkin it.. duh! but ya.. bought loads of stuff.. not exactly but ya.. was satisfied. was prayin as i was shoppin.. cuz the thai girls there are so small and my shoulders are like so broad that.. ya.. i could only get a few t shirts.. darn! but.. i'm happy..

walking thro the nite markets was so exciting.. so fun!! bargaining.. hahah.. it's eugene's forte i tell u.. cheap cheap baht baht!! in the words of eugene... "2 baht!!!".. coconuts was the bestest!! drank and drank and the one's at patpong was the yummiest!!!!

ate seafood on the last nite!! tuk tuk rocks!! kept sittin it with eugene.. hahah.. eugene knocked his head.. cuz while we were stickin our heads out of the tuk tuk.. the truck came and it's mirror hit eugene's head.. hahah.. lol.. super funny!

lost brenda and sue on the second day of shoppin but they were fine.. hahah.. good shoppin i tell u.. but my highlight of the trip was getting.. my DUNKIN DONUTS box! hahah.. grin. love it.. and brought bottles back.. it was like 9 baht!!! hahah..

anyway.. thailand rocks.. the trip rocks and God was oh so good to all of us! just came home from church.. did some games com stuff.. so much to do!! was so so so tired last nite after the flight.. slept till this afternoon.. perhaps i was laggin? grin.

miss the cell.. miss my bed.. but most of all.. miss the life in thailand.

AMEN!!! cell was FUN!! i had such a blast teaching today.. everything just flowed and everyone was laughin and all.. just felt spiritually (+)ve 1 on the sine curve! must pray that i will not take it for granted and keep flowin in line with what the Lord wants for the cell.. must must must!!

*note to self: think twice before wearing anything.. hahah.. wore this funky skirt today.. and BOY OH BOY.. got the attention of the MOTHERLOAD! but it was cool.. aiya.. what can i say.. to the maximus!! shall wear it on christmas or something.. grin.

I LOVE MY CELL!

in the backdrop.. parents are at it again.. sigh. thank God i'm going to bangkok.. love my mum.. love my dad.. but sometimes.. i just need a break from it all. anyhow.. i love FRIENDS!!! can't wait to finish the whole season.. heh.. shall come back from bangkok and beg kenny to let me finish it.. hahaha.. slavish to the maximus!

" "Take no thought..." Don't take the pressure of forethought upon yourself. It is not only wrong to worry, it is infidelity, because worrying means that we do not think that God can look after the practical details of our lives, and it is never anything else that worries us.. The only cure for infidelity is obedience to the Spirit. The great word of Jesus to His disciples is abandon."

just read Kenny's blog.. wee wee! realise that my life is like lackin in lotsa ways.. i mean.. not that it has no meanin.. just that.. i dunoo.. perhaps i've been bumming for too long?

went to rachel's party today.. had a blast.. such yummylicious cakes!! wawawawa.. i was a satisfied slave!! spoke to wei siong bout smu.. he's so excited bout his interview.. and me? i'm still feelin a sense of guilt? just feelin sucky? cuz i can't get thro to the lady cuz she's always NOT AT HER DESK?? argh.. nvm. but the idea is there..

i don't know.. on my way home.. had the time to think bout my life. perhaps i've been whining too much on my blog.. perhaps all i do is nothin.. i dunnoo.. just lookin back at the past 4 months and how i've been living it..

the first few months.. i can truly say.. i gave my heart all out for cell.. and now.. i'm like in a stagnant phase? gosh. need prayer.. ya. need to get a guitar and start strummin.. something that i've put off since january.. argh. till i return from bangkok.. i will get my fingers going.. cuz i think it'll help me in my QT and deal with my emotions more effectively? just a tot..

WHY DID I HAVE TO FALL DOWN!! argh.. steps steps, bad for knee caps! argh.. hate it.. but it hurts.. argh.. and the burn i got from the bike.. sian. leg is DISFIGURED.. and i can't wear jeans.. cuz of my wound at the knee.. and aiya.. the burn is freakin itchy.. why why why?? so.. if u see me.. pls pray that it'll be okie dokie by wednesday.. by faith.. i'll be HEALED! grin.

love my cell... sometimes.. i just feel like breakin down in tears.. but when i look at ppl like yane.. alena.. or jian han.. i find the strength to jus hang on.. and keep going.. God definitely plays such an impt role too... but.. it's just hard to explain. never expected to be a cell leader.. so.. jus hope i ain't disappointing them.. so much to tell em.. so much to let them noe bout my experiences and falls..

haven't knelt down in a long while.. ever since...... a few days prior to my bicycle accident.. have to humble myself once more.. can't take living with so much on my mind.. so much in my heart.. so much that i can't begin to explain.. only He knows.. i guess He's just waitin for me.. to go to Him.

"The purpose of God is not to answer our prayers, but by prayers we come to disscern the mind of God, and this is revealed in John 17. There is one prayer God must answer, and that is the prayer of Jesus- "that they may be one, even as We are One." Are we close to Jesus Christ as that? ... Some of us are far off it, and yet God will not leave us alone until we are one with Him, because Jesus has prayed that we may be." -Oswald Chambers

well well well.. i'm still lost. still can't get thro to SMU for my interview thingy.. those phones!! argh.. anyhow.. i dunno. don't know whether i should puruse it.. cuz it's like one third IT and two thirds business.. sian. perhaps it's God's way of closin that door for me? cuz it's like how to choose????? argh.. not sayin that i wanna be an engineer or anythin.. i mean.. i dunno.. i don't feel peace at all. anyhow.. knees are still like painful.. argh.. wonder how i'm gonna survive bangkok with my leg like that..

BUT am still lookin forward to it.. 5 more days.. YAYAYAYAYY! soo.. aiya.. shall stop thinkin bout it i guess.. nothin more to do.. going back to school on saturday.. for COLLEGE DAY! like a slug.. and going to get my transcripts too.. so so so so so.. we'll see how it goes.

miss all those slavish army men. zZZZzz

-gone-

the motherLOAD. feel like shit now.. damn it. damn it .. damn it. u won't believe what i did.. i missed the SMU talk today.. which was supposed to go down and book my interview dates.. argh.. feelin so so so screwed.. just called up the admission office and they'll get back to me.. hope for the best? shit. shit. shit. i'm freakin stupid and freakin screwed i tell u.. shit shit shit. damn.

-argh-

how do u ever know enough is enough? i'm doing all that i can, my best.. and u say it's not enough? it seems like I'M the one who sucks big time.. i'm the one who's at fault.. i'm the one who isn't good enough.. damn it. if i wanna feel bad bout myself.. i just have to talk to u. you are so damn volatile. i tot these few days were fine.. prayed with u.. listened to yr woes.. went out.. and u can still have the balls to say that lately u feel that i don't care about u enuff? it's ALWAYS bout' u. good. great. well done.

i'm leaving it all at the cross.. hurt beyond description. lookin forward ever so much more to bangkok.. a good break from it all.. a good chance to just relax and well.. experience living once more.

"Logic is silenced in the face of every one of these things. Only one thing can acount for it- the love of God in Christ. "Out of the wreck I rise" every time." -oswald chambers

hmmm.. u noe how some disappointments are our appointments with God? i totally agree.. jus got down to prayin awhile ago.. and felt such peace.. i can't describe..

i often ask myself.. am i doing enough for my cell? are they growin spiritually? am i helpin them to achieve their potential? how can i get them interested? that's when doubts and fears just clouds everything and ruins my standin with God. to keep giving.. to keep labouring.. to keep runnin this race.. it never is easy.. but it's so easy to just run on our own strength.. that's when you teach and realize that things just doesn't flow? today was HUGE wake up call for me.. MAJOR.

as leaders, we HAVE to move together.. and we HAVE to pray for our leaders.. like bro sam.. cuz when i put myself in his shoes.. wa.. i'll just be blown away. how he keeps giving and trying and he's such an encouragement to why we do what we do. bottom line- we have to pray as one and pray for and with each other.. that's the only way. i guess?

well.. so much to do.. so.. to the max.

-getting better-

was reading "Travelling light" by max lucado while on the bus today.. and this passage spoke to me..

"Just like sheep, we have wounds, but ours are wounds of the heart that come from disappointment after disappointment. If we are not careful, these wounds lead to bitterness.. The large portion of our problems are not lion-sized attacks, but rather the day-to-day swarm of frustrations and mishaps and heartaches... So, we like the sheep, get wounded. And we, like the sheep, have a shepherd. "We belong to him; his people, the sheep he tends" psalm 100:3. He will do for you what the shepherd does for the sheep. he will tend to you."

it got me thinking.. let's just put it this way..i've been sharing my disappointments and heartaches to friends.. to people.. to human beings, but not to God. it's a reality check.. it's also a wake up call. what wei siong said durin our camp meeting, bout' persuasion and conviction.. wa.. i just felt.. wa.. screwed.

when i was bathing yesterday.. i realised that there were so many tiny fragments of dirt in my wound.. and i sat down.. took it out.. bit by bit.. and it just dawned upon me.. how God tries time and time again.. to take the problems and agony away.. just like how i'm doin for the dirt.. it hurts like mad.. but it's necessary. there i was.. touched and i told myself.. i have to learn to lean on Him and let commandment one reign in me. i'll try.

"The people who influence us most are not those who buttonhole us and talk to us, but those who live their lives like the stars in heaven and the lilies in the field, perfectly simply and unaffected. those are the lives that mold us. if you want to be of use to God, get rightly related to Jesus Christ and He will make you of use unconsciously every minute you live." -oswald chambers

-the motherLOAD-

hmmm.. sunday. MOTHER'S DAY. well.. made mummy a frame.. to the max.. purple sequinns all over.. haha.. happy happy.

cell was well.. attendance wasn't that great.. but i dunnoo.. felt refreshed in a way? cuz while preparing and writing the notes last nite.. felt a sense of peace? and some purpose in doin what i'm doin.. well.. that's my life in a nutshell.. unexplainable.

feel like puking.. can feel the violent size 10 on the Richter scale headache comin up.. hahah.. must be the satay beehoon i ate just now.. grin.

-yoodles-

was reading a reply from my friend's e-mail.. and i couldn't help feel guilty. hmmm.. how do i say it.. maybe it's a weekend thingy.. but still.. throughout the week.. i dunnoo.. my cell was never on my mind? not never, but it just wasn't a priority.. screwed.

i know deep down inside, i'm not doing my utmost for the Lord.. not anymore.. not giving excuses.. honestly, i'm just drained. drained with everything.. and it's hard to keep giving when there's nothing left inside? was preparing for the lesson tmr.. and i dunnoo.. how would u teach a lesson on breakthro n christian meditation when spiritually i'm so out? it's just hard..

been reading Matthews... the parables.. and the Parable of the Sower just struck a chord in my heart.. sometimes i feel like i'm the seed that fell among the thorns.. i hear the word.. i understand the promises and all the "i must do's" as a christian.. but when the worries.. fears just come my way.. it comes upon in a mother load. my faith isn't shaken.. it's just that it's hard to pray.. cuz i don't know where to begin? hmmm... so they say..

gonna go downstairs to the park for a jog.. and i'll just go for a stroll.. to feel that sense of peace.. it's just hard to explain.. like i'm just taken away from the world or something.. just me and Him. maybe i'll come up and take my bible downstairs.. it's true, the Word of God is a staple.. and i think i've been starving for the past week.. i do read but i'm not reading? eh.. how do i put it.. nvm.

well well well.. am home alone and i love it. a house without the family rocks. so.. we'll see.

-hope-

*reality bites* argh.. it's one of those moments.. argh.. wish the moments would just pass like like like like now. argh.

the fact tat i'm sitting around.. waiting for a freaking letter.. argh. got my NTU admission letter into engine. my goodness.. i believe that it isn't what i'm called to do.. i HATE physics.. i hate the way how our system works.. even if u wanna do what yr passionate about, u're not given the chance.. why? cuz everythings based on yr grades.. based on how u performed in that ONE exam. perhaps i'm supposed to learn the hard way?

it's so conflicting. i could wait one year to enter ngee ann's mass comm.. i could accept engine and just fail thro the whole semester and drop out.. i could go NIE and be a freaking teacher.. wish i was 4 years old. wish i could go back and just be little again.. singapore is stifling.. so stifling. yes, we are blessed with such a wonderful government and all.. BUT when it comes to our education.. ha. maybe cuz we're small and no point dreaming big. what's the point of building a freaking esplanade? to "nurture our creative juices?" ya balls. my answer is NO.

timing just seems to be so off. everything.. maybe when God reveals his plans for me then only will i see.. perhaps my darkness is his way of leading me? i still can't see the light.

it's always these moments when i feel like rolling into a ball... it's these moments that make me feel so frail and so "i am nothing". these moments just takes the place of joy in my life.

if u do see me smile.. if u do hear my laughter.. if u do think i'm happy.. it's just a moment in time.

-myopic-

HELLLOOOOO world!! yay!! super duper yay!! my computer is FINALLY ALIVE AND RUNNING!!

i tell u.. just came home from supper at sempang bedok!! wahaha.. WE FORGOT TO PAY FOR OUR FOOD!! we only realised it in the cab home!! hahaha.. to the maxish i tell u.. only tis happens to us!! ahahahah.. still can't believe it.. LOL.

anyhow.. today was lovely.. went to read books and go bras bersah.. wa.. love reading and love arty farty stuff.. ar.. i'm a sucker for that!! like a slug i tell u..

basically.. everythings been pretty hazy.. my future.. my university plans and courses.. my weeks.. and my memory is getting from BAD TO WORSE.. i can't seem to remember what i did 2 days before.. no wait, i mean the day before.. it seems like eons ago.. my goodness.. before u know it, i'll be using the anti-wrinkle creams!!!

all i can say is that... feeling so messed up. it's like ya, i should leave it in God's hands.. but the thing is that.. taking the first step seems hard? can't explain it.. it's come to a point where i'm just tired. it's like how do i keep doing what i'm doing.. to go into cell each sunday and feel that sense of conviction to teach from my heart when i'm feeling so spiritually down at times? it really feels so so sucky.. like a (-)ve 1 on a sine curve.. that's why i'm just amazed how i go into cell and teach even when i'm prepared and i know i've learnt something.. i think God uses my experiences to "talk" to them..

perhaps i'm not good with facts and figures.. but i sure know that my life story is one that has trillions of experiences catered to answer most questions in breakthro.. i just hope that i'll have the patience and the will to see it thro..

"Don't get impatient, remember how God dealt with you-with patience and with gentleness; but never water down the truth of God. Let it have its way and never apologize for it. Jesus said, "Go and make disciples," not "make converts to your opinions." -oswald chambers

-she bangs-

yay!! GETTING OUT OF SINGAPORE!! 26th of may.. wee wee!! i seriously can't wait to get out of here.. to just feel and be reckless for once.. no responsibilities.. no expectations to rise up to.. no need to be so self conscious... ar.. what a great release.. yay!!

feel the fats coming round the bend.. gonna go for a jog with my cousin in awhile.. haha.. shit.

-suffocation's gonna be over-